The Secondary Character Card
by sailor gaav
Summary: Neglected anime characters offer testimonial for a credit card - just an odd bit of humor that I wrote one evening, and is hopefully better than this summary


A quick note - This little sketch is not my original idea, but taken from a rather brilliant cosplay at Katsucon in which a lesser known character in a fighting game advertised this card. Unfortunately, I can't remember the name of the guy who did the skit, but if he happens to read this, he can e-mail me at sailorgaav@hotmail.com, and I'll give him credit. This particular piece of writing here is mine, although the characters aren't (although maybe they should be, since no one else seems to want them), and...um...if you're someone official, please don't sue. And remember, it's all in good fun.  
  
The Secondary Character Card  
An Info-mmercial by Alicia Foley (and Jill the director and Dave the camera-man)  
  
Opening - Random Smiling Announcer  
  
Announcer: Are you one of those characters who always looses screen-time to the idealistic young hero or the big-haired bishonen? Do you always get expository dialogue? Are you killed off or tossed out of the story in pointless ways? Are you never allowed your own happy ending? If so, we understand how you feel. We here at Anime Credit Inc. care about you, even when the fans don't. That's why we're pleased to offer the Secondary Character Card, because your credit rating shouldn't have to suffer the way you do. Just listen to these satisfied customers:  
  
(First scene of testimonials - Woodchuck and Ghim of Lodoss Wars)  
  
Woodchuck: Having had some trouble with the law in the past, not to mention being possessed by a witch, I thought it would be damn impossible for me to me to get a good credit rating. Now I may not have my own image gallery, but I've got great credit! Thanks, SCC!  
  
Ghim: They don't discriminate against magic races. And if you're tired of rates being raised because of your unfortunate death, you'll love the SCC's "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Just look at this new ax I bought with it!  
  
(Next scene - the Hawks from Beserk)  
  
Judeau: Hi, remember us? We're the side characters from Beserk. You know, the other guys. You may have seen us on art-work from the series, usually small and off to the side since pictures of Griffith, Caska and Gattsu take up so much space. We thought no one cared about us at all. Then we found the SCC.  
  
Rickert: And there's no age limit!  
  
Corkus: The folks at Anime Credit Inc. over-look whatever flaws you've been given to make the hero look good. So even if you're ugly, ill-tempered, or just plain dumb, you can make the same low monthly payments. Hell, you don't even have to talk to get one. (Smacks Pippin on the arm.)  
  
Pippin: .....(very slowly holds up his card, grins and gives a big thumbs-up.)  
  
(Next scene - Seifer of FF8)  
  
Seifer: Hey, you all know me. I'm the guy with the cool duster that should have whipped Squall's pansy ass. Instead, I got a few wussy fight scenes, and he got Rinoa. Was it fair? Hell no! But I'm not angry....I'm taking my new girl, Fujin, out to dinner with my SCC!  
  
Fujin: (smirking at the camera) TAKE!.....THAT!.......HEARTILLY!  
  
  
(Next scene - Jinnai of El-Hazard)  
  
Jinnai: Can you believe that a genius like me was allowed to lose? I had the entire Bugrom empire at my command, a brilliant strategy, and the demon goddess! And I lost it all because of that blasted Mizuhara! Oooh, curse him and his infernal charisma! Mizuhara!...well, don't worry. With my SCC, I'll buy the kingdom of Roshtaria into oblivion! Ah-ha-ah-ha-WHA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!  
  
Voice from off-camera: Um...Mr. Jinnai? Are you okay?  
  
Fujisawa: (walking on-screen) Don't worry, I'll handle it. C'mon Katsuhiko...back to El-Hazard for your rehabilitation. I'll make an up-standing citizen of you, yet! (Hoists Jinnai over his shoulder.)  
  
Jinnai: No! No! I must show the people who their true destined ruler is!   
  
Fujisawa: (oblivious) Oh, and let me just mention...with the SCC, there's no change in rates after you marry. (He grins and flashes his ring.) I may be tied down, but thanks to the SCC, I'm not paying any of my bar tabs! (Walks off-screen.)  
  
(Next scene - Mistukake and Chiriko of Fushigi Yuugi)  
  
Chiriko: I used the SCC to pay for all of my school books! I love my secondary character card! It's almost as cute as I am!  
  
Mitsukake: The SCC...it's a gentle protector...I'm glad to know that the folks at Anime Credit Inc. won't forget about me, even if Yuu Watase has. I like it so much, I recommended it to my more popular friends.  
  
(Camera pans over to Nuriko, Hotohori, Tasuki and Chichiri. Miaka and Tamahome are conspicuously absent.)  
  
Hotohori: Anime Credit Inc. knows I lead a busy life as the Emperor of Konan. That's why they make the payment plan as simple and convenient as brushing my hair in the morning....then again, brushing my hair takes a very long time...I'm so beautiful...  
  
Nuriko: I buy all my jewelry and make-up with it. The SCC lets me look my best, and save money.  
  
Chichiri: It's wonderful, no da!  
  
Tasuki: And those of us who have had bad credit ratings in the past - whether because of divorce, illness, or a free-wheeling life of banditry - don't have to worry. SCC treats each case individually and fairly.   
  
(Next scene - Dryden, Merle, and Gadeth from Escaflowne)  
  
Dryden: The SCC - it's good for the wealthy, sophisticated members of the society -   
  
Gadeth: And for the simple working man.  
  
Merle: As long as you have your one true love stolen by some tramp in a school girl uniform, the SCC is there for you!   
  
Gadeth: Um...that's not the line...  
  
Merle: (off in her own little world, and mimicking Hitomi) Oooo, I think I'm all special 'cause I can see into the future. Oh, Van-chan, I've been kidnapped and you have to come and save poor little fate-altering me...   
  
Dryden: Does it matter? That little sequence was idiotic. I can't believe I took time out of my schedule for this.   
  
Gadeth: It was a trifle insulting to have to refer to myself as simple. I mean, I may not know all the rules of chivalry, and I may not have long blond hair, but...  
  
Dryden: It hurts, doesn't it? You're practical, competent, and you're out-ranked by a man who looks like a woman.  
  
Gadeth: You're right! It's not fair!  
  
Dryden: And he's younger than you, too.  
  
Gadeth: It's not fair at all! Why does he get all the artwork and cherry blossoms flowing around him? I'm the one who does all the work! And the women just swoon for him! I can't go anywhere with him without some girl rushing up and asking for a kiss, or a rose, or a favor....and the only time one ever noticed me...she thought I was Allen's servant! His servant!  
  
Dryden: (grinning wickedly) Boy, life just sucks sometimes. How about we go throw some darts at Allen's picture? I bought a board with my Secondary Character Card. (Flashes the card, just to keep things on topic.)   
  
Gadeth: Hell, yeah! (They exit)  
  
Merle: Oh, Van-chan, I'm just a weak little girl from the Phantom Moon! Grrr! There were so many times when she could have died! Why didn't it happen?!   
  
Mole Man: (popping suddenly on-screen) Um, miss? You're still on camera, you know.  
  
Merle: I don't care! (runs off-screen with tears in her eyes) It's not fair! Van-samaaaaaaaa!  
  
Mole Man: (pulling out his card, and grinning at the camera) The secondary character card - for people, and animal-people, from all walks of life.   
  
(Next scene - Syphiel, Martina, Zangulus and Naga of Slayers)  
  
Syphiel: The people at Anime Credit Inc. were so nice....they understood how hard it was for me when my father and half of my hometown where destroyed by an evil clone. They say it happens all the time in Marvel comics. Now I don't have to worry about money when I help my Gourry-sama!  
  
Martina: Ah-ha-ha-ha! Zoalmelguster says to buy an SCC right now! And you should always do what he says!  
  
Naga: Hmph! You call that a laugh, little girl?! This is a laugh: Ahhhhhhh-HA-HA-HA! Ahhhhhh-HA-HA-HA!   
  
Martina: What? Zangulus, did you here what she called me?!  
  
Zangulus: Um...maybe we should just forget it, darling..  
  
Martina: No one....and I mean no one...calls Zoalmelguster's chosen one a little girl!  
  
Syphiel: Oh my! You're not going to fight, are you?  
  
Naga: Who do you think you are, anyway? Maniacal laughter, ridiculous poses, skimpy clothing, obsessive behavior...you're just one big rip-off! I was Lina's rival long before you grew into that outfit!   
  
Martina: That's it! Zoalmelguster! Strike her down! (She strikes a pose, and thrusts the amulet at Naga. There is a pause, and nothing happens.) Aheh....Zangulus! Zoalmelguster says that you are to be lucky enough to do his bidding!  
  
Zangulus: (ushering Syphiel off-camera) Huh?!  
  
Martina: Damn it! Beat her up for me!   
  
Zangulus: Um...yes, dear. (Pulls out the Howling Sword.)   
  
Naga: I am Naga the Serpent! Lina's great rival! Do your worst!! Ahhhh-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!  
  
Voice from off-camera: Um...wait..ladies? Do you think we could solve this without violence?  
  
(The two face each other, glowing with battle energy, when suddenly Jinnai and the Bugrom burst on-camera.)  
  
Voice: What the hell?! Hey, we're trying to do a commercial, here!  
  
Jinnai: Who is it who laughs like a manic-depressive hyena?! Who is it who hates so obsessively? For truly, this woman must be my ultimate soul-mate!  
  
Naga and Martina: (glancing at Jinnai, then pointing at each other) Her!  
  
Jinnai: Oh, forget it! Obviously you were both meant for me! (Leaps at them with arms stretched wide.)  
  
Voice: Hello? Security!  
  
Zangulus: (leaping in front of Martina and shoving Jinnai into Naga) She's taken!  
  
Martina: Oooo, Zangulus-sama! You're wonderful!  
  
Naga: Eeeeeek! Get off me!  
  
Jinnai: Forget Diva! You're the one for me!   
  
Martina: I think she's suffering enough, darling. No revenge needed. (They run off-stage as Fujisawa runs on.)   
  
Fujisawa: Katsuhiko! You pervert! Leave that woman alone! How could you?!  
  
Naga: Eeeeeeeeek! (runs off-stage, with Jinnai and the Bugrom following.)  
  
Voice from off-camera: Oh, fuck...sir, could you at least say something about the SCC?  
  
Fujisaswa: Sorry, no time! My fists of justice are needed! (Runs after them)  
  
Voice: Hmm...well, would you say that was a total loss, Dave?  
  
Dave the camera-man: Probably, Jill.  
  
Jill the Director (no longer the anonymous voice): Well, shit. Do you think editing will help? Is there any chance we can bring them in a for a re-shoot?   
  
Dave: Maybe we should just cut the entire thing.  
  
Jill: No, we need a set number of testimonials.  
  
Dave: ....I'm not going to make rent this week, am I?  
  
Jill: Neither am I, if that helps. Let's just start the next group....  
  
(Next scene - Mihoshi and Kiyone of Tenchi Muyo)  
  
Mihoshi: Wow, I've been so lucky ever since I bought my Secondary Character Card.  
  
Kiyone: Actually, you've always been lucky...usually at the expense of others...like me...but anyway. My SCC helps me make the most of a Galaxy Detective's salary. Paying off the massive property destruction that my friends and partner cause is no problem with this card. It helps me live a more organized, efficient life.   
  
Mihoshi: Giggle! I love my SCC! It's so cool!  
  
Kiyone: Oh damn...you're the TV series Mihoshi, aren't you?  
  
Mihoshi: Yup!  
  
Kiyone: Sigh...well, at least you're not Pretty Sammy's mother...I guess it could be worse...it could always be worse...  
  
(Suddenly, Naga runs across the screen shrieking. Jinnai and the Bugrom follow, and trample Kiyone. Mihoshi miraculously escapes untouched. Fujisawa runs after them.)  
  
Mihoshi: Eeeeee! Kiyone! Please don't be hurt! I can't function as a human being without you!   
  
Kiyone: Uhhh.....and you....weren't scratched.....(she reaches towards Mihoshi, ready to strangle her, and decides she's not worth the effort.)  
  
Mihoshi: Please, Kiyone! I can't make any kind of decision! Kiyone, I think I'm forgetting to breath!  
  
Kiyone: (pulling herself up, and slapping Mihoshi) Breath, damn it!   
  
(Mihoshi breathes, sniffling and holding her cheek)  
  
Jill: (still the presence off-camera) Ma'am? Are you all right? I assure you, the studio will pay for any damages-  
  
Kiyone: Now...which way did they go?   
  
Jill: And security will be taking care of the problem...  
  
Kiyone: I said - which way did they go?!  
  
Mihoshi: Um...that way. (pointing off-stage)  
  
Kiyone: Thank you. I've had it with being a punching bag. (Looking determined, she runs offstage, with Mihoshi following behind.)  
  
Jill: Ma'am, please, security will.....ma'am? Ma'am?!!  
  
Dave: God....we're so dead.  
  
Jill: (gritting her teeth) It's not over yet, Dave. We're going to finish this damn thing. On to the next scene!  
  
Dave: We're doomed.  
  
(Next scene - Astor and Wol-dono of Maze.)  
  
Astor: Hi folks. I'm Astor, of Maze, and this is Wol-dono. We've noticed that, as the series progresses, we haven't gotten a lot of screen time. I mean, I'm allowed to pull out that big-ass sword of mine, but it's been ages since Wol-dono has even gotten to use those bomb things. I mean, why is he even in the opening credits?  
  
Wol-dono: Hey! I pull my weight well enough!   
  
Astor: Heh, right, sorry. Anyway, even in that one episode that Solude and I had, it was mostly about Solude. Just because I don't grab onto Maze every second, I get chucked aside most episodes.   
  
Wol-dono: Huh. Likewise.  
  
Astor: (grinning suddenly) But all that's changed, since I got my -   
  
(He is interrupted as Naga comes screaming across the screen, followed by Jinnai and the Bugrom.)   
  
Astor: The hell?! Hey, why are you chasing that woman?  
  
Fujisawa: (running on-screen) It's my fault, I've been a poor teacher, it's all my fault that he's gone bad...(he runs off-screen without even pausing)  
  
Astor: Hey! I just get ignored everywhere, don't I?   
  
(Meanwhile, Wol-dono has begun his dance from the Junky Boy ending. Astor grabs him.)  
  
Astor: C'mon! I'm sick of being treated like part of the furniture.  
  
Wol-dono: Whatever.  
  
(They run off-camera.)  
  
Jill: Auuuuuuuugh! This is a disaster! Where the fuck are they? Where the fuck's securtity?!  
  
Dave: (in a horrified monotone) Good-bye apartment, good-bye T.V., good-bye food for the next week....  
  
Jill: Security!!!!  
  
From off-camera: We're here, ma'am!  
  
(And suddenly, studio security rushes on-camera, consisting ofAvenger, Séance, Genn, Rol and Jan, (all side characters from the manga-style Gold Digger) and Arnie (an often-forgotten side character from Ninja High School).  
  
Arnie: (striking a macho pose) We'll track them down for you, sir.  
  
Jill: Forget tracking them down - they ran that way! I think they're headed for the Green room. This is going to be a disaster!  
  
Dave: I'll be a homeless, jobless slob that little old ladies run away screaming from....and I'm not even supposed to be here today...  
  
Arnie: No problem, sir!   
  
(They all run/fly off-screen.)  
  
Jill: Well...maybe it won't be a total loss, Dave...maybe they're hiring on one of the new super-hero cartoons...  
  
Dave: You mean the ones that keep getting canceled?  
  
Jill: Or maybe Buffy....  
  
Dave: Fuck it. I'm at least going to get this on tape.  
  
Jill: Why?   
  
Dave: I dunno....maybe a good fight scene is just what we need to liven up this info-mercial. Maybe we'll even get more people to watch this way...  
  
Jill: Yeah...yeah...we could put some sort of spin on it...see the pain of secondary characters, or some crap like that. You're great, Dave. Onward! To the Green room!  
  
(Next scene - the Green room. Perhaps it's the mark of a true hack, but like all pieces of mine, this has gotten out of control, and longer than it was meant to be. And I'm really bad at writing fight scenes. So, lets just say that chaos erupts, as Jinnai and the Bugrom finally catch Naga, who casts various horrible spells at them. Fujisawa, Astor, Wol-dono, Kiyone and Mihoshi come running in and plunge into the fray (Jinnai's got a lot of Bugrom with him). Meanwhile, the guests are waiting in the Green room, including various Sailor Moon villains, Priestess Afura Mann, Mousse and Tsubasa, Hanagata of Saber Marionette J, the Seiryu seishi, Gateau of Bakaretsu Hunters, Mackie of Bubblegum Crisis, and everyone else who has already done a testimonial. As security comes rushing in, a full-scale riot breaks out. The Suzako seishi stomp on the Seiryu seishi. Male Maze theme plays as he enters the fray, laughing hysterically. Mil-chan dances across the screen, and various people are beaten up and burnt to a crisp. Zangulus pulls out the Howling Sword. People are caught in spells and transformed into Moogles. A man fights a bear for no reason. There is a lot of super-deformed stuff, sweat-drops, and those little anime anger crosses. In the midst of it all, Emit Nervend grins gleefully at us. Security slowly begins to get things under control.)  
  
Jill: (finally stepping in front of the camera) Well, as you can see, secondary characters can get pretty riled up about their status. But Anime Credit Inc. has the card that keeps them all satisfied. The Secondary Character Card. If it can satisfy all of these conflicting personalities (she ducks as Hanagata is tossed past her) - then just think of what it can do for you! Now, everyone, tell the people at home how much you love your SCC!  
  
(She is ignored. The chaos increases...security is being overwhelmed again. Jill, now wearing a cross of her own, glares at the riot.)  
  
Jill: I...am going to salvage this commercial...I am not going to lose my job over this....(stepping towards the riot, and screaming) EVERYBODY STOP FIGHTING RIGHT NOW!!!!!  
  
(Everyone pauses, some in mid-punch or mid-throttle. Those who have been flung into the air hover without landing.)  
  
Jill: (teeth clenched) Now, smile, hold out your cards, and give a big thumbs up! (Everyone obeys, including those that are being throttled or flung. The security forces pull out cards as well.) Very good! (Jill turns back to the camera, calm and cheerful once more. Behind her, the fighting begins again. People drop to the floor with a sigh of relief.)  
  
Dave: Geez, Jill....  
  
Jill: Well, sometimes you just have to put your foot down, Dave. I think we've made a pretty good commercial. You may just pay your rent this week.  
  
Dave: All right!  
  
Jill: (smiling) And you folks at home have probably noticed that our security forces also use the SCC. We may be an anime-based company, but we've found lots of satisfied customers at Antarctic Press and Marvel! Roll the clips, Dave! Thank God these were pre-shot.  
  
(Scene - Various X-book cast-offs are standing in front of the camera. Morph steps out as a spokesperson.)  
  
Morph: Hey, I more than anyone know what it's like to exist only for plot's sake. I mean, I was created to die! But the SCC acknowledges the fact that, yes, I do exist! And we may all be in Marvel limbo, but our credit rating can't be beat.  
  
(As the camera pans along the group, everyone smiles and holds up their card. The line-up includes Karma, Magma, Empath, Thorn, Siryn, Jamie Madrox, Maggot, Celia Reyes, Rachel Summers, Magik, Cerise, Kylun, Micromax, Feron, Pete Wisdom, and damn near every forgotten member of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants (which means damn near every member of the BoeM). Well, almost everyone smiles. Empath pulls out his card with a sneer. Jamie fights with two duplicates over who gets to hold the card. Feron, sitting cross-legged in the air, simply glowers at the camera. Micromax elbows him, and he rolls his eyes and pulls out his card. Pete Wisdom holds up his card, looking bitter, and mumbling something along the lines of "Damn bloody bastard Raab...." Morph steps in front of the group again.)  
  
Morph: That's right, we're all satisfied customers! (There is a pause.) Okay, we did it - where's our money?   
  
Jill: (off camera) Cut!  
  
(The clip ends, and Jill is smiling in front of the camera again. Behind her, Male Maze has called in Duelgar, and the wall is in flames.)  
  
Jill: And that's all the time we have. But we hope we've convinced you! If you're rejected, if you're abused, if none of the fans give a damn about you - or even if they do...we've got the card for you. The Secondary Character Card - for all those who aren't the hero! Buy one today!  
  
(As the screen fades to black, Jill can be heard yelling for fire extinguishers.)  
  
(The SCC ordering information flashes on-screen, accompanied by the Announcer's pre-recorded voice informing us that some restrictions may apply, that opinions about series or protagonists voiced by the secondary characters during their testimonials do not reflect those of Anime Credit Inc., a division of Anime Inc., (slogan: "The Company with the Really Un-Original Name"), and that card-holders may be called upon to make higher interest payments in the event of the company CEO emptying the vault and moving to Guam.)  
  
(The info-mmercial ends. And, since this thing was no doubt being shown sometime around 3 AM in the morning, stay tuned for late night movie "Return of the Revenge of the Creature's Father's Brother's Cousin's Nephew's Former Roomate". Yes, I stole that bit from Spaceballs. So sue me.)  
  
Um....wait, no, please don't. It's all in good fun, okay? Thanks.   



End file.
